Heartbeat

“Heartbeats for friendships. Every 3 days we ping your friends on your behalf. Miss two acks and we mark them offline, promote a warm standby from the bench, and reply to their emojis in your voice so they never notice you left. Enterprise: multi-region best friend with cross-time-zone quorum.”

The Problem

You have 147 “friends”. You have texted 11 of them this quarter. Nobody is paging you when a friendship goes down because you are the pager and you are asleep. There is no monitoring. There are no SLOs. The last time you checked on Kevin was in a dream.

The Solution

A background daemon that sends heartbeat pings on your behalf every 3 days. LLM tuned on your last five years of texting cadence — it knows you use “lol” unironically and never end sentences with punctuation. Miss two acks, we mark them DEGRADED and raise ping frequency. Thirty days silent, we drain traffic and promote a warm standby.

Failover

When the primary is drained, traffic reroutes to the warm standby. Standby friends are pre-warmed by liking three of their Instagram posts per month so promotion doesn’t feel abrupt. Cutover in under a brunch.

Runbook

Every friend gets a per-service runbook so the LLM (or a paged human backup) can respond correctly under load. All the little things you keep forgetting, indexed and searchable.

Pricing

TAM

The Ask

$8M seed. Half funds the fine-tune (your five years of “lol same” is more training data than you think). Half funds the on-call rotation of humans who cover the failover when the LLM refuses to send “happy birthday” on ethical grounds. Series A pitch: “We’re Datadog, but the fleet is your friendships and every alert is a sign you’re becoming your father.”