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May 13, 2026
Hench
“On-demand intimidating friend for your awkward in-person situations. We stand behind you. Arms crossed. Slightly to the left.”
The Problem
Last 30 days · situations you got steamrolled in
Returning a clearly-worn jacket to REI
92%
Negotiating rent with a guy named Chad
88%
Asking for a raise
81%
"Quick chat" with HOA president
74%
Refusing extended warranty at Best Buy
67%
You are 5'7". Confrontation costs you $3,400/yr in capitulations.
The Solution
Open the app. Hit SUMMON. Within 18 minutes, a 6'4" man named Devontay (or Brent, depending on situation) arrives, says nothing, and exists near you with intent.
9:41HENCH●●●
Your hench
Devontay R.
6'4" · ★ 4.97 · “mostly silent”
Posture
Arms crossed
Sigh frequency
1 / 90s
Eye contact
Unbroken
Phrase pack
“Hm.”
ETA 18 min · cancel anytime, he won't like it
How It Works
You
small, nervous
Hench Cloud
dispatches nearest
The Hench
arrives, looms
Other Party
suddenly reasonable
words exchanged: 0 · refunds processed: 1 · vibes: legally distinct from a threat
Pricing
Casual
$42per summon
- ✓1 medium-sized man
- ✓Crosses arms on request
- ✓Will not make eye contact for you
Pro
$199/mo · most popular
- ✓4 summons/mo
- ✓Premium glower pack
- ✓Says "we good?" one time
- ✓Optional toolbelt (empty)
Enterprise
Call us(quietly)
- ✓Standing retainer of 3 henches
- ✓Boardroom-grade jawline
- ✓SOC2 · NDA · BFG
- ✓We do not return fire
TAM
Total addressable conflict-avoidance
220M conflict-averse adults × 2.4 summons/yr × $42
= $22.2B
(does not include the in-laws vertical, which is unbounded)
The Ask
$7M seed for: protein, two lawyers, and a Slack channel called #did-we-commit-a-crime that we check before every dispatch.
Series A pitch:“We’re Uber, but the driver is large and stays standing.”