“Friendship is a job. Most of your friends are coasting. We help you put them on a Performance Improvement Plan — 30-day metrics, manager-style 1:1s, severance package on the way out. HR-compliant offboarding, with a parting card.”
The Problem
You have a friend. Let’s call him Brian. Brian has not asked you a single follow-up question since 2021. By any reasonable rubric, Brian is not meeting expectations.
Q1 2026 · 360° review · confidential
status: at risk
B
Brian
Friend · since 2014 · Tier 2
Texts back within 24h12% / target 80%
Remembered birthdayno / target yes
Vibe brought to brunch2.1 / 10 / target 7.0
Follow-up questions asked0 / target ≥ 3
Has new fact about youfalse / target true
Plans proposed (Q1)0 / target 1
The Solution
We deliver a sealed, notarized Performance Improvement Plan to your underperforming friend. They are given 30, 60, and 90 days to hit reasonable benchmarks. We attend the 1:1s. We take notes. We use phrases like “going forward.”
form · friendship hr · v3.2
Performance Improvement Plan
Friend: Brian
Manager: You
Tenure: 12 yrs
Effective: 06/08/26
Day 30
Ask one (1) follow-up question per hangout. Remember the dog's name. Stop opening every conversation with 'so what's new with you.'
Day 60
Initiate plans without prompting. Pay for a coffee unprompted. Send one (1) unsolicited link relevant to a known interest.
Day 90
Demonstrate sustained engagement. Final review with manager + HR (us). Pass: retention. Fail: severance package selected at checkout.
x_______________ (friend)x_______________ (you)
Severance Tiers
$0
We do nothing. You stop replying. We tag them out of group chats over six months. Industry standard.
$99
Calendly link, 20-min exit chat, sealed letter. We provide your talking points and a tasteful succulent.
Platinum Parachute
VIP only
$499
Catered offsite. Lifetime achievement reel. NDA covering shared embarrassing stories. They leave with closure and a hoodie.
Friendship Cohort Retention
Beta data, n = 312 users. Columns are months since plan issued. Cells are friends retained out of 100.
cohort
M0
M1
M2
M3
M4
M6
Jan
100
81
64
41
22
9
Feb
100
78
58
38
18
Mar
100
80
60
35
Apr
100
76
51
May
100
74
Jun
100
We are very efficient at this. Possibly too efficient. Legal is looking into it.
TAM
Total addressable underperformance
260M US adults × 4.2 mid friends × $99
= $108B
Repeat business is guaranteed. Everyone is mid to someone.
The Ask
$7M seed for: 4 engineers, 2 ex-HR partners, a notary, a fleet of small potted succulents, and one (1) employment lawyer who agrees this is almost certainly fine.
Series A pitch:“We’re Workday for the friends who are simply not pulling their weight.”